You Saved My Life
by DiTab1
Summary: One Shot. Cas has given up everything for his faith. Now that faith has been shaken. Don't normally write Cas POV but was inspired. R&R always welcome! No pairings. No slash...unless you choose to see it there. ;


**A/N: Ok… I don't usually write Castiel POV but I was so very inspired by a simple, beautiful screen shot that was created by ~kasienka-nikki over on Deviant Art that I just had to write this. If you would like to see the inspiration you can view it in my favorites over there. (My account name is the same.)  
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**Disclaimer: As always, wishful thinking still hasn't brought me ownership of the show or its inhabitants, alas, they still belong to Kripke and the CW.**

What do you do when everything you know in your heart turns out to be a lie? Where do you go when home ceases to be an option? Who do you become when your whole being is denied? How do you live when you have never even learned how to breathe? These were all questions that were running through his head as he walked alone down the empty highway.

He had been sure that if he kept looking, if he showed how strong his faith was, that eventually he would find what he was looking for. Finally, he had begun to believe that his faith had been justified. He had spent so long here, learning, understanding, accepting and now…everything he had believed in was lost. He had thrown away everything he was for a dream that had turned into a nightmare. Strange thought…he had never had a real dream…had never really understood the concept until now.

He had been searching for so long. There was nowhere left to look. No one left to turn to. He had betrayed all that he was for a chance at redemption and now that chance was fading away. There was no going back, even if he had wanted to…God he wanted to. Not now…not after what he had done, they would never accept him back.

There was once so much light here. The light was so pure that it blinded him to his purpose. He had brought that light up out of the darkness. Now, he couldn't figure out where the light had gone. When had it dimmed? How could he not have noticed? The darkness was winning and the final battle was approaching. No, he couldn't go back, he had stepped off of his path and lost his way.

He fervently wished that he had never come to this place. Once he was light and purity and safety. Then he took form and everything had changed. He thought to blame the change on his vessel. He had no need of feelings, emotions…comfort. He was power and glory and he only needed to fly free and soar.

His devotion was unending, unquestioned. But now…he had given up who he was and had become…different…less and yet, in some strange way…more. At some time, beyond his understanding, he had changed. He had not asked for this change, in fact he would not wish this on any being, but it had happened none the less. They had changed him and now he was alone and they were not here to teach him…to guide him through this new experience…he believed they called it grief.

Once, the wetness on his face could have only come from the life giving waters of Heaven. Now, he knew it was from something else. Something deep inside of him that had been unleashed and threatened to overwhelm him. It amazed him how humans could go through their lives in such pain. He had known it was true, had witnessed it first hand, but until today he could not grasp the full force of such a feeling.

Today he had rebelled. Today he had pushed aside the fading light, what little there was left of it. Today he had thought that he had seen the last of his faith die before his eyes. He knew there was no going back and yet, here he was…somehow…outside their door, his door…again. And somewhere, in this person he had become, a small ember of that faith was trying desperately to find the fuel to burn brightly once again.

He knocked. The fact that he knocked in itself was proof of his change. He was an Angel of the Lord. He could go where he pleased, when he pleased. The physical world was no barrier to him, even now, when he had fallen so far… And yet, he knocked. He had thought that his ability to pray had died with his faith but now, in this moment, he prayed for an answer.

When the door opened he saw once again what he had done. His rebellion was written in each blue and green bruise on that achingly familiar face. He looked into those eyes, a shade of green so pure that only his Father could have created it, and he saw there the one thing he had thought was gone forever. He saw the last of the light…fading…

He wanted to apologize, beg for forgiveness that he wasn't even sure he deserved. He wanted to touch those bruises and remove them and the memories that went with them. He wanted a chance to erase everything that had happened between them that day. He wanted the light back…

He tried desperately to find the words that would make this right but had neither the experience nor the vocabulary to truly voice his feelings. And so, he said the only thing he could…

"I'm Sorry."

The hardness that inhabited those eyes faded, just a bit, and his heart was filled with a joy he had never imagined before.

"It's ok, Cas. I understand." He couldn't believe that these creations had the capacity to feel the hundred different things that were going through him at those words.

"Dean…I never…I wouldn't…You were my faith. You had given up. You were the only light left in the darkness and you were going to throw it all away. I never knew this feeling…this rage. I've never known the feeling of betrayal. I…lost myself."

"Castiel, there is nothing you could do that I wouldn't forgive. Don't you know that? You raised me from Hell and gave me a chance at life."

"And every day since that day Dean… you… you have saved my life and given me reason to believe. Whatever you choose to do, whatever you need to do, I am here and I will support you."

As he was welcomed back into their lives…his life… he could see the light glowing just a bit brighter and could feel that tiny ember of faith flare to burn once again. Finally, he knew, his search was over.


End file.
